beauty

i guess it can be found in some pretty strange places.

if this isn't one of the most gorgeous pictures i've ever seen,

i'm not quite sure what is.

i love you

it's sort of sad how much meaning those three important words no longer have. i can't tell you the amount of times i've wanted to say that phrase, in a way that actually meant something. but the feeling after it being said was nothing like what i had hoped, or i had expected. i also can't count the amount of times they have escaped my mouth with no emotion or truth behind them whatsoever. it's sad to know that i've used such meaningful words so lightly for so long. it's like there's no backbone left in them, for me at least. so when they're spoken or written towards me, i have a tendency not to trust it. not to believe it. like it's a lie. and who knows, maybe it is. i feel like i'm the cause of these words being completely empty, like i've deprived myself of anyone loving me. just because i don't believe. just because i don't trust. i can't say i have much power over anyone else's actions, emotions, or speech, but the doubt in my mind really hurts me when i'm told this; it's sort of like i don't want to hear it at all, because then, once again i'll have to mourn what i've lost. what i've forgotten. what i've left slip away. it's a sad story, but i wrote it my self. and now i know. 

i know.

winter break

winter break is coming to an end. it's sunday and tomorrow, monday, i'm back to school. or hell, which ever name you prefer. i guess this break was alright. i found out who some real friends are, and who i should stay away from. i made a choice i hope to stick with. i made a new best friend i hope to keep. and i thought over a lot of things and a lot of choices i have made. i've been thinking about where i want to go in life a lot. i guess i've had way too much time on my hands, but from here on out my goals are to try harder in school, quit drugs and alcohol, be real, be the kind of friend i would want to have and to talk about my problems. i know it's going to be hard. but i want to turn my life around. i'm not sure if it's ALL my fault i ended up where i am today, but i know i could have stopped it somewhere along the way. i want the respect back i used to have for myself. and i want respect from others. i'm changing. today. deal or ditch.

html

okay, so i pretty much just spent the majority of my day creating that banner at the top using photoshop, and editing the shit out of my blog. i don't know how healthy this is becoming, but hey, whatever. so pretty much, html is a pain in the ass. but i did finally get this annoying border thing to disappear and to change the main color to that obnoxious shade of pink you're probably noticing right about now. so let's just say, i'm super-duper satisfied. i guess this all leads to the conclusion of: i have absolutely no life.

first blog

i guess this blog is the result of a cold, rainy weekend in california. i figure that, being myself and all, i'll give up on this and stop posting after a few days. but i'm going to try and keep it going. it seems like fun. and i probably need to keep my ass off myspace some :)