i love you

it's sort of sad how much meaning those three important words no longer have. i can't tell you the amount of times i've wanted to say that phrase, in a way that actually meant something. but the feeling after it being said was nothing like what i had hoped, or i had expected. i also can't count the amount of times they have escaped my mouth with no emotion or truth behind them whatsoever. it's sad to know that i've used such meaningful words so lightly for so long. it's like there's no backbone left in them, for me at least. so when they're spoken or written towards me, i have a tendency not to trust it. not to believe it. like it's a lie. and who knows, maybe it is. i feel like i'm the cause of these words being completely empty, like i've deprived myself of anyone loving me. just because i don't believe. just because i don't trust. i can't say i have much power over anyone else's actions, emotions, or speech, but the doubt in my mind really hurts me when i'm told this; it's sort of like i don't want to hear it at all, because then, once again i'll have to mourn what i've lost. what i've forgotten. what i've left slip away. it's a sad story, but i wrote it my self. and now i know. 

i know.